Alright, I just browsed through it... but I only have one opinion on this matter, and maybe I'm just used to certain author's writing styles *you can't go wrong with the good authors like Stephen King and Anne Rice, etc.* but it doesn't really flow. The grammar and story are good, but as I read it I find myself stopping and starting; repeating, etc.
One thing I specifically noticed was the over-usage of the word "I". If that's what she is going for, that's cool, but for me, that seems to be too general. Every basic author uses that kind of perspective in stories. The good ones know that you know who is talking, and only remind you every once in a while. Basically what I'm saying is that she should try to find some more flowing transitions in her context between the characters. I think it'd help. Otherwise, it seems to be a pretty decent excerpt from a story. Hockey's not my thing, though
One thing I specifically noticed was the over-usage of the word "I". If that's what she is going for, that's cool, but for me, that seems to be too general. Every basic author uses that kind of perspective in stories. The good ones know that you know who is talking, and only remind you every once in a while. Basically what I'm saying is that she should try to find some more flowing transitions in her context between the characters. I think it'd help. Otherwise, it seems to be a pretty decent excerpt from a story. Hockey's not my thing, though
