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OT: Rate a piece of my sister's writing (url inside)

128 Views 2 Replies 3 Participants Last post by  akira410
Ladies and gents,

My sister is working on a book and has submitted an excerpt of her story to the site displayed below to be reviewed, in the hopes that it will be published in the not too distant future. I would really appreciate (as would she, no doubt) your reading this excerpt and giving it your own personal little review.
I am not begging anyone to do this, nor has she asked me to do this; I am only trying to help her out and it is merely a favor I ask of you, if you have some free time, please.

Many thanks :)

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Alright, I just browsed through it... but I only have one opinion on this matter, and maybe I'm just used to certain author's writing styles *you can't go wrong with the good authors like Stephen King and Anne Rice, etc.* but it doesn't really flow. The grammar and story are good, but as I read it I find myself stopping and starting; repeating, etc.

One thing I specifically noticed was the over-usage of the word "I". If that's what she is going for, that's cool, but for me, that seems to be too general. Every basic author uses that kind of perspective in stories. The good ones know that you know who is talking, and only remind you every once in a while. Basically what I'm saying is that she should try to find some more flowing transitions in her context between the characters. I think it'd help. Otherwise, it seems to be a pretty decent excerpt from a story. Hockey's not my thing, though :cool:
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Cool, I'll take a look at it. That reminds me, I had a dream about a year and a half ago. I ended up writing it down and it was about three pages long. It was quite interesting. I'm thinking about basing a short story off of it.
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