I don't understand women!

966 Views 66 Replies 22 Participants Last post by sprung_monkey, Oct 26, 2001

Ebaines

Discussion Starter · Oct 23, 2001

My girlfriend of over 4 years has been acting FLAKY lately, and I'm getting really annoyed. She's been complaining because we've been together too long to just be "dating," but neither one of us would ever want to get married before AT LEAST finishing college. She instigated this LONG conversation last night about "where our relationship is going." Here's the kicker. She's decided that she just wants to be "friends." However, she wants to be friends with mutually exclusive sexual benefits, who don't see other people, and still "love" each other. I don't quite understand how that is different from being "in a relationship," but it seemed to make her feel much better about everything. Personally, I think she's taken up CRACK!

Now my head hurts from last nights conversation and I really just don't need this right now. I think I may cut my classes today and just go drive for a few hours. At least my car doesn't make a big teary deal about semantics in our relationship. My car and I have a very healthy relationship.

I wish I could date my car.

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countach

· #2 · Oct 23, 2001

WOW, U must b the only guy on Earth who does Not understand women

ROFL
They r not from Venus, they r from another solar system. After 1yr a lot of chicks start itching for some commitment. Hey, if it makes her happy, she stops nagging & u still get laid, just agree with it

Ebaines

Discussion Starter · #3 · Oct 23, 2001

"After 1yr a lot of chicks start itching for some commitment. Hey, if it makes her happy, she stops nagging & u still get laid, just agree with it"

Yeah, although the funny thing is that she DOESN'T want more commitment..... She just want the previously described nonsense. I agree with you, though..... smile and nod so long as the nookie train keeps running.

93stealthrt

· #4 · Oct 23, 2001

Huh!!

Sounds like a good deal to me....
SEX with no commitment....Most people pay for that!

Ebaines

Discussion Starter · #5 · Oct 23, 2001

Wow, I didn't really think of it that way.

That's actually pretty cool I guess.

Super C

· #6 · Oct 23, 2001

A YEAR?!

All the girl I've dating start talking marriage after about 2 weeks!

I NEED A NO COMMITMENT RELATIONSHIP!. Ebaines, I envy you.

Ebaines

Discussion Starter · #7 · Oct 23, 2001

Yeah, I'm starting to realize that this may not be such a bad thing. Although over the past four years I've gotten used to not having to scavenge for sex..... My hunting skills have degraded, so I worry that if the nookie train ever stopped running.....

Although, I suppose that if I got my current g/f driving a leaky 92 Saturn SL1, I shouldn't have any trouble in Stealthy.......

Darktrail

· #8 · Oct 23, 2001

You aren't supposed to understand them. Their is a commitment though, you said that their would be mutually exclusive sexual benefits, who don't see other people, and still "love" each other.
So she expects you to cuddle afterwards....
She's probably just stressed and she'll be back to in a heartbeat.

-Jeff

Ebaines

Discussion Starter · #9 · Oct 23, 2001

When **I** get stressed, I find a secluded spot to practice launching my car.

Why can't ladies be sensible like that?

Aerosly7

· #10 · Oct 23, 2001

Ebaines said:
She's decided that she just wants to be "friends." However, she wants to be friends with mutually exclusive sexual benefits,

My friend, I don't want to be the one to break this to you but that's just not going to happen. Once you've reached the "friends" designation, she's fair game for every sex-maniac guy out there and, without the restrictions, she WILL take advantage of that availability. Usually, when a girl wants to be "friends" there is already someone else. Don't let it take you by surprise when she's suddenly "unavailable" on weekends. Start using protection; if she's like most girls you're going to need it.

Of course she'll still "love" you.. just like she loves Jason, Mark, Adrian, Dan and every other Tom, Dick and Harry that walk into her life, get what they want and walk right out.

You're better off without.

Ebaines

Discussion Starter · #11 · Oct 23, 2001

LOL...... I'm pretty sure its not that kind of friends...... that's the weird part. She was VERY adament about neither one of us seeing other people. She just wants to "view our relationship from a different perspective."

I can say with much assurance that she's not planning on seeing other people. The girl can't lie to me worth a damn. She NEVER can pull it off. The few times she's tried to hide things from me only have made her look like an ass.

I see where you're coming from, and under normal circumstances I'd agree with you, but she's just not a good liar at all.

Elmo

· #12 · Oct 23, 2001 (Edited)

Re: Re: I don't understand women!

Aerosly7 said:
Don't let it take you by surprise when she's suddenly "unavailable" on weekends. Start using protection; if she's like most girls you're going to need it. ....

You're better off without.

I'm with 'sly on this one dude.

After 4 years, there should be no 'backing up' of the commitment level. If she's not sure, move on. It sounds like it to me that you are genuine, and committed, and this is taking you for a serious loop. Any chick that would question her guys' committment in this way is not worthwhile.

It could be only that; she's asking for space, since she's wondering how you'll react, just to see how 'committed' you are. If that were/is the case then she should rebound in less than a week.....

Or, worst case, she has found someone, and is looking for an 'out' maybe hoping you will cheat or something, so she can use it against you, to end the relationship, even though she is the one that wanted it first.

I'm not psychic, so I can't say which it is. Only time will tell, but don't blow this off, and don't assume this means nothing.... Women play games for a reason; the sad thing is they aren't conscious of it most of the time.... the mind games just come naturally to them.

My opinion, ride the train for free, but wrap that rascal.

Also, make it absolutely clear to her, that if she doesn't want you totally and wholey the way you are, then you can't let her have you and your entire self either. (that parts hard, cuz we all want nookie, but saying this will make that impossible with her)

It's ilke our cars.... either you're devoted, or you're not. If you only want a partial relationship, it will fall apart, and cost you gobs of money and grief in the interim.

Elton

*edit -

I just reread what I wrote, and I sorta contradicted myself.

What I meant was, you shouldn't just go along for the free ride... you should hold out, and make her realize that she either takes you as you are, or doesn't get you at all. This will make her understand that you are serious, and committed. It will also force her to decide whether or not she can give herself to you fully, or if she has ANY reservations. (which, unfortunately, I think she does)

If you CAN't do that, because it's so damn hard to resist, then just ride the nookie train, but wrap it up.

There. that makes more sense now. (I hope)

E

*

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Ebaines

Discussion Starter · #13 · Oct 23, 2001

I think that the real problem is that we started dating when we were 16 and 17, respectively. Now I'm 21, and she's 20, and we've changed a ton over the past few years. Its a difficult time, 'cause I think that if we had met 10 years later, we'd probably be married by now, but since we're still too young for that, what do we do now? You see the problem? She feels the relationship is "stuck" on hold, and I sort of agree with her. So this is really about finding some way to make it different, and explore some new aspect of the relationship.

It really boils down to us having met too soon. Honestly, I'm sure that its not about other guys, its about us being in a terribly difficult situation, and trying to find ways to make things work.

Thanks for all your input everyone.

Philip

· #14 · Oct 23, 2001

Ebaines said:
LOL...... I'm pretty sure its not that kind of friends...... that's the weird part. She was VERY adament about neither one of us seeing other people. She just wants to "view our relationship from a different perspective."

I can say with much assurance that she's not planning on seeing other people. The girl can't lie to me worth a damn. She NEVER can pull it off. The few times she's tried to hide things from me only have made her look like an ass.

I see where you're coming from, and under normal circumstances I'd agree with you, but she's just not a good liar at all.

Sorry Dude, one thing I learnt the hard way is that you can not ever be ignorant. You think she is a bad liar. Maybe she lets you find out what you want, so that it feeds your thoughts to which you beleive in what she i saying.
You know her, but be cautions, and keep an eye open. I'm sure you didn't think she would be pulling this on you after 4 yrs ?

Good Luck

Elmo

· #15 · Oct 23, 2001

I know totally what you mean.

I met my ex fiance at 18.

We dated, lived together and were engaged for 8 years.

It ended last october.

Same reasons, same situation.

The underlying message I'm getting from her actions is 'I'm not sure about things'

I know this doesn't seem like it, but thats what I see. I think she's curious as to what else is out there.

Also, there is A HUGE amount of personal growth between 19-25. I firmly believe that marriages go through ALOT of hardship when you get married during that time frame, because of these growths. The fact that you managed to stay together during 16-20 is a great accomplishment already; I would never knock that. And truthfully, there are happily married couples that start in the early twenties. It's not impossible.

But it is definitely harder. There are changes going on, that still define who you are, and where you're going. Heck, we change and grow all through our lives... it never stops. That's why finding someone that changes in the same direction, at the same pace as you, is so worth keeping, and spending the rest of your life with.

But, it sounds like you and her may not be changing at the same pace. Sorry. Don't want to have to be the one that tells you.

If you're happy where you are, even though slightly indifferent about being complacent with your current arrangement, and she's not, seeming to want to change things, there is a mismatch there.

It could be, that time off is exactly what you two need. But don't do either of yourselves or the relationship the dis-service of 'trying to maintain sexual activity and friendship' while 'not dating' it just doesn't work. You'll both end up dis-respecting each other in the back of your minds. (even though you'll never come out and say it, or admit it)

If you give it a short, clean break, but maintain a platonic, social friendship, who knows. In another two years, you may end up back together if you feel you still have strong feelings for each other.

Or, you might not.

Whichever the case, take care of yourself. Respect yourself. Respect your rights.

Love is a grand thing, but not when your soul or self is the cost.

Good Luck my friend. Let me know if can help in any way.

Elton

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MikeHoffa

· #16 · Oct 23, 2001

Just ask her what the problem is...Shit, if there was no one else left on the planet, would you two 'get married'? All that is is a public display of your love for each other. You guys should just keep on being how you were and just 'get married' once your done with college. If she feels right now theres nothing to do but wait, then it might not be good to marry her...Because after you guys get married what would she want then? A new guy to start over with?

Ebaines

Discussion Starter · #17 · Oct 23, 2001

"The underlying message I'm getting from her actions is 'I'm not sure about things' "

You're absolutely right about that. At its core, what you're saying about how tough relationships at these ages are is the problem.

We're both fully aware that if we keep going, and try to make it work, its going to be a tremendously difficult challenge. And if for some reason it doesn't work out, it'll be that much more painful.

Right now she's scared of the amounts of effort and risk involved in continuing the relationship, so she's flaking out.

I'm just going to give her as much time as I can to sort out how she feels, and if she makes up her mind, we'll go from there, but if she jerks me around too much I'll have to do what's best for me.

Elmo

· #18 · Oct 23, 2001

MikeHoffa said:
Just ask her what the problem is...Shit, if there was no one else left on the planet, would you two 'get married'? All that is is a public display of your love for each other. You guys should just keep on being how you were and just 'get married' once your done with college. If she feels right now theres nothing to do but wait, then it might not be good to marry her...Because after you guys get married what would she want then? A new guy to start over with?

heheh

Ahh... if only all women were so forthright and direct....

(no offense to those women on this board that are honest and direct)

I agree Mike, BUT...

We are not alone on this planet, and will never be. Women were raised knowing that marriage is a SERIOUS commitment that every relationship strives towards.... when the man (or woman) proposes to a woman (or man), they know then that they have reached a pinnacle point in the relationship, where the level is about to change.

Will she want more?

you bet. Children possibly. a nice home, possibly, etc.

Call it old fashioned, but there are basic 'things/events' in a marriage/union that help to continually redefine the relationship. They help to keep it alive.

If you don't hit those checkpoints every once in awhile, proving that the commitment is still there, things don't work.

Ebaines: This is exactly what I was getting at; you're at the 'well, we see each other, are exclusive, fuck like rabbits, and have a good time, but we're not married' stage right now.

If you do what she wants, HOW IS THAT REALLY DIFFERENT?!

In my opinion, it's not. And she's just going to grow more distant.

Comments welcome.

Elton

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Elmo

· #19 · Oct 23, 2001

Ebaines said:
....and if she makes up her mind, we'll go from there,....

Just don't forget your mind has a say in this also. It doesn't have to 'wait it's turn'

We're here for you if you need us.

E

Ebaines

Discussion Starter · #20 · Oct 23, 2001

"'well, we see each other, are exclusive, fuck like rabbits, and have a good time, but we're not married' stage right now. "

LOL.......

Yep, that's the stage alright.

I think last night was just her flaking out. I don't think the words she uses to describe our relationship are going to make or break it. Its just trying to find a new way of looking at the same thing.

Ultimately, I don't think its going to be a case of "growing more distant" so much as her deciding whether or not she wants to "take the plunge" and "bet the farm." This is just her time of indecision. Sooner or later she should figure out what she wants.

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