Mitsubishi 3000GT & Dodge Stealth Forum banner

1 - 12 of 12 Posts

·
MI SCUZI! MI SCUZI!
Joined
·
6,619 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since last
oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $ 1.00
Total $21.00.

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking
it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: Gets hot oil on you in
process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change
tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back
yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992
in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
step 23.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Make bail.
50) Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $25.00
Total-- $4150.00
But you know the job was done right!

Something my friend just sent me
 

·
Got Boost?
Joined
·
4,242 Posts
BWHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You know, that honestly isn't far from the truth (take away the DUI part, that is...).

AHAHHAHAHAHAH. Classic.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,153 Posts
Ruiner oil change

1. drain old oil, remove old filter.
2. replace drain plug, put on new filter.
3. add new oil.
4. start car.
5. watch as huge river of oil appears under car.

:D :D

couldn't resist! :D
 

·
IDIC
Joined
·
4,390 Posts
hahahahahahaha, that's the funniest thing i've read in a while =)

-Aaron
'94 R/T TT
'95 VR-4 Spyder
'95 Pearl Yellow R/T (belongs to Mom)
 

·
Got Boost?
Joined
·
4,242 Posts
Re: Ruiner oil change

kalla said:
1. drain old oil, remove old filter.
2. replace drain plug, put on new filter.
3. add new oil.
4. start car.
5. watch as huge river of oil appears under car.

:D :D

couldn't resist! :D
OH yes, I remember that... Let me add a few more steps...

6. Screw filter on even more tightly than before.
7. Put in MORE oil.
8. Start car
9. Watch as even more oil flows from underneath the car.
10. Cuss
11. Drink a beer (seriously)
12. Get a flashlight because it is now dark
13. Decide to leave car til the morning.
14. Get friend to drive me to pick up more oil
15. Unscrew filter and gently thread it back on the *correct* way
16. Fill with oil.
17. Pray before I start the car.
18. Start car.
19. Jump for joy when no oil leaks from car
20. Drink a few beers.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
10,940 Posts
Jack stands, who needs jack stands.

I just pull the car to the edge of the garage and go to it. :D

the the consfused the garage is old and the floor has sunk their is about a 2in drop just inside the door. As long as the wheels are on the outside I have a ton of room.
 

·
Whatever Man
Joined
·
2,678 Posts
I thought the only difference in oil changes for men and women is that (A) They get $2 off on Tuesdays, but end up paying $30 for a new air filter and (B) Women often go about 10,000 miles over their oil change whereas men do not.
 

·
Lost Soul
Joined
·
6,235 Posts
Sounds right, but I'm getting pretty quick.

-Jeff
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,454 Posts
That is so false

I only search for a 17mm wrench ......not a 9/16....DUH!!!!
 

·
your mom
Joined
·
303 Posts
NeoValentine said:
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since last
oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $ 1.00
Total $21.00.

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking
it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: Gets hot oil on you in
process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change
tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back
yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992
in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
step 23.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Make bail.
50) Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $25.00
Total-- $4150.00
But you know the job was done right!

Something my friend just sent me
Everything looks good here except step 43, its more like "severly mangle door" than like "crush jackstand". Crush jackstand seems kind of like an oxymoron or something.
 

·
THE MAN, THE AMERICAN
Joined
·
2,015 Posts
reminds me of my Fiero's alternator replacement steps...read the whole thing it's funny!

As of May of 2001:
1. Drive car, dies on highway, call AAA get towed home.
2. Car is able to start next morning, blame it on a fluke, let battery charge a little in the driveway and burn off some of last spring's gas (yes, drive it that little that the 8 gallon tank hasn't needed to be filled).
3. Drink beer.
4. Come back. Notice car is dead and won't start.
5. Remove battery, slice hand open on one of many sharp edges.
6. In frustration of step 6, continue to remove battery only faster so you can get a band-aid, bang knuckles on engine.
7. Rush in for bandages and an hour of TV. Also beer.
8. Come out in dark, finish with battery and put it on charger.
9. Realize the charger has nothing to clamp onto, because of the damn GM side-post battery design.
10. Say "F*ck it"
DAY 2
11. Go to car parts store, pay like $5 for two little posts to screw onto the battery so I can charge it.
12. Charge battery overnight.
DAY 3
13. Reinstall battery.
DAY 7
14. Drive car to a friend's to watch him rip apart a totalled Fiero and figure out how damn hard it is to get the engine out the bottom (yes, the bottom, it's the only way).
15. Stall car as you leave in front of other Fiero owners.
16. Have car die on way home.
17. Roll down hill towards gas station and conveinence store.
18. Call AAA again.
19. Buy beer and begin consuming waiting for tow truck. Take satisfaction in knowing the car stalled and it wasn't your fault.
20. Realize as tow truck takes forever that even if it wasn't your fault, your friends are still laughing at you behind your back.
21. Tow truck arrives, argue with truck driver that the Fiero is Rear Wheel Drive.
22. Watch car almost pop start as the tow truck guys sets it up like a FWD car, rub it in when the driver realizes it must be RWD.
23. Get home, pay tow truck driver. Think about fixin it. Repeat step 10.
DAY 14
24. Have GM friend over, get inspired to fix it.
25. Try to move car so you can get at the back. Wreck you and your friend's back as you try to move it and realize the brakes are rusted on from winter.
26. Finally get car in place. Jack up rear-end.
27. Night is here, with the car on jackstands, repeat again step 10.
DAY 15
28. Get in truck parked next to Fiero to drive to work. Realize car is sitting on ground like normal.
29. Say "F*ck me"
30. Find jackstands jammed through 4 inches of pavement and ground, and into the undercarriage.
31. Repeat 29.
32. Repeat 10.
33. Come home, jack car up, realize jack stands are bent to sh*t, and the 1 year old driveway has been severely damaged.
34. Jack car up, higher than before to put ramps under the rear tires, because you know that at least the emergency brake works.
35. Step 10
JUNE
36. Get inspired to fix it.
37. Step 10.
JULY
38-41. Repeat JUNE events in July and August.
SEPTEMBER
42. On a warm day, get inspired and remember why you said step 10 so many times...there's no way to get the alternator out.
43. step 10, only continue this time.
44. Realize you need to get the oil filter out to get the alternator out (damn Fiero design)
45-57. Steps 2-13 in Oil Changing Steps Post that inspired this thread while getting beat up where the jack stands tore the smooth asphalt up months prior.
58. Move oil bucket to location where it can be hit by the snow plow come winter.
59. Find out oil filter is smaller than the oil filter wrench.
60. Swear, drink beer.
61. Neighbor friend conveniently comes by because he wants to borrow something. Force him to use his small hands to get at the filter.
62. 61 fails. So friend climbs onto top of car and successfuly removes filter.
63. Begin work on alternator removal. Instruct friend he can't borrow my crap, but to stick around.
64. Remove wires and belts.
65. Remove all visible bolts to unit is loose.
66. Try to get it out, swear. Realize there's one more bolt holding it down from underneath.
67. Have friend hold it so it doesn't fall on your face when you get it off.
68. Friend says "It won't budge" even after finishing the bolt.
69. Step 10.
70. Play Gran Turismo 3 for an hour and resume work after schooling neighbor friend with 350 horsepower PT Cruiser.
71. Find more bolts, have friend hold.
72. Every damn obstruction is removed. Friend stops holding it, but it still won't budge.
73. Play with it, twist it, crush hand.
74. Step 29.
75. Finally get it loose, suddenly falls to where your head was and leaves a dent in the pavement.
76. Celebrate.
77. Tell friend to get lost.
78. Think about the replacement of it, step 10.
OCTOBER
79. Move car to winter place. Break back moving with brakes locked and after carefully jacking it off the ramps and such.
80. Buy 4 quarts of oil.
81. Replace old filter (the car doesn't deserve better.)
82. Shut trunk/hood/bonnet thing.
83. Find "Days of Thunder" soundtrack cassette you'd been looking for all summer.
84. Sit in and miss the "Good old days"
85. Remember what a pain in the ass the car is and repeat step 10.
86. Slam door.
NOVEMBER
87. Kick car every time you pass it. Swear at the dent resistant plastic panels.
CURRENT
Dead in the driveway until spring?

Oil: $5 Car & Driver brand from Target
AAA towing costs: $25
Pain: Lots
Insurace money lost while car sat dead, yet insured: I don't like to think about it.

Total, $30 + Insurance, 6 months, lots of pain, and the car's still dead.





Sorry that was so long, but that's exactly how it went.
 
1 - 12 of 12 Posts
Top