HOW TO CHANGE GEARS:- Identify when an appropriate time for shifting has occurred. Please see this thread for reference.
- Determine correct motion of shifter based on analysis of present gear and desired gear. Practice this motion above shifter if necessary.
- Place hand on shifter but DO NOT MOVE IT YET. Doing so may damage your transmission and could cause a traffic accident.
- Lift foot from dead pedal and place it on the clutch pedal. This takes a very precise and calculated movement of your knee joint, so it may be best to practice this while your car is not moving. Note: the dead pedal has been like that since you got the car; please do not be alarmed and summon paramedics, as they will likely damage your car in an attempt to rescue the lifeless pedal.
- Release pressure on gas pedal while simultaneously depressing the clutch pedal. This is VERY COMPLICATED and may require the assistance of an UNDER-DASH MIDGET to accomplish successfully.
- Once clutch pedal has been depressed (stop the car and measure the distance to the floorboards with a ruler if you're not sure) move the shifter carefully into the destination gear, using the motion we practiced earlier.
- Reverse the process for step 5, again using the under-dash midget if necessary: release the clutch pedal in a controlled manner and re-engage the throttle. WARNING: uncontrolled release of the clutch pedal has been known to cause extreme BODILY INJURY due to intense SPRING ACTION and has in some cases resulted in death to the driver.
- Continue driving as normal, repeating process when necessary.
ADDITIONAL WARNINGS- The shifter may be SHARP. Do not SIT ON IT -- doing so may cause an inadvertent colonoscopy and will DAMAGE the shift boot.
- If the shifter resists or makes GRINDING NOISES, immediately STOP THE CAR. It is BROKEN, and may possibly be low on blinker fluid. CAUTION: blinker fluid is an EYE AND SKIN IRRITANT. If fluid gets in eyes, gouge them out with a fork to prevent permanent vision damage. If swallowed or eaten, find the nearest HONDA CIVIC in order to induce VOMITING.
- The process described above is designed for upshifting. Downshifting is EVEN MORE COMPLICATED and may require an additional under-dash midget to perform necessary throttle blips. That is beyond the scope of this tutorial; downshifting should ONLY be attempted by EXPERIENCED pilots.
TROUBLESHOOTING:
Problem: Car skids to a stop when clutch pedal is depressed.
Solution:
- You are driving a car with an AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION. Please proceed to the nearest SOCCER GAME or GROCERY STORE for instructions on how to operate such a vehicle.
Problem: Car makes loud wailing sound but does not shift.
Solution: You are using the HORN, not the SHIFTER. Please refer to your car's manual for the location of the shifter.
Problem: Shifting into gears 2, 4, or REVERSE causes the car to skid to a stop.
Solution: You are using the EMERGENCY BRAKE, not the SHIFTER. You have not moved your hand far enough to the RIGHT. When attempting to correct this problem, AVOID AT ALL COSTS overcompensating for the error and opening the GLOVEBOX instead.
Problem: Car has stalled.
Solution: Purchase additional under-dash midgets.
Problem: Shift pattern too complicated to memorize.
Solution: You are a WOMAN. Please DISCONTINUE DRIVING immediately for your own safety and the safety of others.
Problem: Pedals are missing and car does not move.
Solution: CAREFULLY exit your car, proceeding to its FRONT. Face the car, and walk to the side that is to YOUR RIGHT, and try again.
Problem: Shifter moans when selecting gears.
Solution: You are giving your passenger a handjob. Release your grip, moving your hand to the LEFT, being careful to avoid the dangerous EMERGENCY BRAKE as discussed earlier.
We at DriveHard Inc hope you have a fun and safe time with your new manual transmission!
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Believe it or not, I just did all of that myself. I hope that last problem/solution is clean enough to avoid causing problems.